I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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