the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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