just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
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