You really coming over, don't trick.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
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