Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
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