people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
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Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
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How do u even exfoliate your vagina
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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