he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
