The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
