you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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