Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
