This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
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Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
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The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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