just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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