i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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