dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Everything about him screamed your future.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
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