It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
its liver damage thursday
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
