Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
don't judge my taste in strippers
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
