I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
You ate ashes out of my bong
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
