I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
