Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
