my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Randomize
