??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
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