She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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