How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Randomize
