final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.