I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
This baby is an asshole
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
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