I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
