my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
