this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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