I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
