you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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