Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
