wanna go halves on a baby?
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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