I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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