And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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