I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
