bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
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