I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
