You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
