boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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