Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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