I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
