Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
