I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
