Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Randomize
