I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
