i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
