I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
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