Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
