i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
