Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
