Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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