I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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