This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
