My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Randomize
