what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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