Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Randomize
