So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
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