I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
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