I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Randomize
