if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
